im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
