too bad you live with your parents still
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
