Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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