He had one of those small greek statue penises
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
