i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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