Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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