so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
