wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
