I puked a lego.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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