We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Drunk is a universal language darling
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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