We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
