My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
