i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
