If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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