Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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