the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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