I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think I won the penis lottery.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
