P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
