Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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