I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
