Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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