and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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