I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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