there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
