a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I will be naked everywhere
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
