listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
