i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
