btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
