Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
