You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
