There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
