hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
