Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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