I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
