I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
