i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He better not be in your backpack
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
