Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You pole danced in your parka.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
