theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
