I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
