i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
