Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
