when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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