dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
