oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
