I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
