When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
