You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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