im about as happy as oj after his trial
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
