i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
