why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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