life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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