my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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