Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
