Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
where am i from again
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We have so much sex to catch up on
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
