I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
do nipples grow back?
Randomize