Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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