When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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