At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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