I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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