Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
