In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
