Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize