he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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