Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
